this was written in march… though i agreed i would not put it out there in the universe until after our love creature was born.  i’m breaking the rules publishing it now.

i’m 33.  on 3 april, my husband and i will celebrate our third anniversary.  the champagne one.  no, i will not be drinking champagne this year.  i am growing our first shared human.  the link with the number 3 got me thinking about a dreamy song by the smashing pumpkins, entitled ’33’.  see the lyrics…

speak to me in a language i can hear
humour me before i have to go
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i can’t be late, supper’s waiting on the table
tomorrow’s just an excuse away
so i pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and down again
i know i’ll make it, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you
and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
i’ve journeyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts i still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies i’m ready to return
i’ll make the effort, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
tomorrow’s just an excuse
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you

i read about what made billy corgan write this song and it involved a point in his life when he was feeling really optimistic about his future.  he spoke about it on some mtv program, i think it was called ‘story tellers’.

some of the lyrics really stand out for me:

‘deep in thought i forgive everyone’

what a shift in thinking this idea brings.  priorities have changed and therefore, letting go of all sorts of petty bullshit seems appropriate.  i thought i would be in a panic but a strange sense of calm washed over me about 24 hours after finding out the good news.  in a weird way i had come to the conclusion that this child is something i am not worried about at all.  strange when all i tend to do is worry most of the time.

‘i know i’ll make it, love can last forever’

there was a time for at least 6 months, possibly not consecutive, last year where i had lost hope and found myself wondering what my purpose in life was.  i felt i wasn’t any good at my job and that i had to undergo some sort of period of belief revision.  yet with the news, a sort of positivity overcame me.  i have a reason other than myself to make it now.  it reminded me of how getting married made me less selfish when i began thinking for two instead of one.  now that number to think of is three.

‘i’ll make the effort, love can last forever’

pregnancy brings with it a number of changes necessary for a healthy human to enter the world.  perhaps the most interesting change for me has been the lack of delicious alcohol in my life.  as soon as i found out i was immediately disinterested in maintaining a relationship with the drink and that was fairly surprising.

i have been reading loads about what to expect and have seen my wee human on an ultrasound screen.  i have been very ill and vomited up some of my favourite foods.  i have slept longer hours than ever imagined possible and felt a debilitating fatigue difficult to comprehend.  lots of new experiences to come, i am sure.

plenty of people have offered advice.  citrus fruit to help with sickness, ginger biscuits for the same reason.  i have been told that women have babies every day and that if it is a girl we are talking serious good luck coming my way.

no matter what the future holds, i feel as though this life changing situation has happened at the exact right time.  it is a best of all possibles.

that hilarious film, parenthood, has come to mind a number of times.  especially the bit when mary steenburgen’s character tells steve martin’s character that she wants him to have the baby.  i think i’ll watch it again for a few pre-parental laughs.

very recently i have begun talking to my peach sized human, what to expect compares the size to different fruit all of the time.  i think i just got the whole fruit comparison.  hahahaha.  i have been telling my child about my plans and about how their dad is the best man i know.  kind, hard working and devoted to us both.  i know abu will love the child more than he loves me and i know that all of this will make me love abu more.  he is going to be an excellent parent.  he is calm, rational and caring.  we are both very lucky.



One thought on “33

  1. Yay! Great news! Wishing you lots of love and luck. My boy, Rafi is 16 months now and a fierce little bundle of energy and fun. Take care xx


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